Bipolar

Most people picture a support group as a place for an absolute emergency — and only go when nothing else works anymore. My experience with my bipolar disorder is different: You should attend a support group in all walks of life — except during acute crises. A group is no substitute for therapy. And anyone in the middle of an acute crisis needs rest, protection, and professional help — a doctor, a crisis service, or a clinic. A group is the wrong place then. Both for yourself and for the others in the room. ...

To many people, “bipolar” sounds like a mere swing between good and bad moods. On paper, however, my diagnosis reads Bipolar 1 with psychotic symptoms – and when I am in full-blown mania, it has nothing whatsoever to do with “being in a good mood.” It often starts constructively: I have countless ideas, mostly driven by an honest desire to improve things fundamentally. Yet my head shifts into a speed that hardly anyone on the outside can follow anymore. There is no longer any filter between thinking and speaking – almost every thought has to come out the exact second it arises. At the same time, my short-term memory collapses: what I said days ago, or even just a few moments ago, is erased almost in the same instant. Only this hyper-accelerated Now exists. ...

If you like, listen while reading: Mania and depression. Day and night. Light and shadow. For a long time I fought against one of the poles. I believed one was my enemy. I believed I had to choose. Today I know better. Freedom comes first. It is the first thing we receive — from God, from life, from what carries us. With it I decide every day how I live with both poles. ...

I write about software architecture because I love it. For a long time I thought that was the only reason. I also love teaching. Through sharing, a lot has gotten better, and in software “together” now includes the tools we use. They are not taking over the world and they are not taking jobs, not soon and not on a horizon I would name. At software they are good. I have been programming publicly for over 24 years. Parts of that work can be found online at @jochumdev and @r3j0. ...

“My doctor says I have the most extreme version of psychiatric diagnoses.” That’s how I put it. Bipolar Type 1, with psychoses. I say it at the bar, over coffee, on a walk. Openly. Directly. For years. What happens next is almost always the same: people start talking. “My brother has that too.” “My aunt was in the clinic for years.” “In our family, no one talks about that.” Sometimes they want to unload. Sometimes they want to understand. Often both. ...